Dealing with Divorce: 10 Tips to Protect Your
Kids
When a family finds itself in the
middle of a separation or divorce, one of the first worries is "what
about the children?" Divorce has been associated with multiple
problems for children and teenagers including: poorer peer
relations, low self-esteem, diminished academic performance, health
problems, aggression, conduct problems, noncompliance, and
depression. However, research has shown that while divorce can be
hard on children, it’s often the fighting of the parents that most
directly affects the children, and the impact depends on how well
the parents are able to isolate the children from these
disruptions.
The following are 10 tips to keep in
mind to help buffer your children from the problems they may
encounter during parental divorce or marital conflict:
| 1. |
Never
criticize your former spouse in front of your children.
Children know they are "part mom" and "part dad," and the
criticism can harm a child's self-esteem.
|
| 2. |
Don't use
your children as messengers or quiz them about your ex-spouse.
The less the children feel a part of their parents' battle,
the better. |
| 3. |
Reassure your children that they're
loved and that the divorce isn't their fault. Many children
assume that they're to blame for their parents' hostility. |
| 4. |
Encourage your children to see your former spouse
frequently. Do everything within your power to accommodate the
visitation. |
| 5. |
At every step during your divorce,
remind yourself that your children's interests -- not yours --
are paramount, and act accordingly. Lavish them with love at
each opportunity. |
| 6. |
Your children may be tempted to
act as your caretaker. Resist the temptation to let them. Let
your peers, adult family members, and mental health
professionals be your counselors. Let your children be
children. |
| 7. |
If you are the non-custodial parent, pay
your child support. The loss of income after divorce puts
children at a financial disadvantage and can affect them for
the rest of their lives. |
| 8. |
If possible, don't uproot
your children. A stable residence and school life helps buffer
children from the trauma of their parents' divorce. If you
have to move, make an effort to have sleepovers and play dates
with their old friends, and encourage new friendships
too. |
| 9. |
Try to minimize the child’s exposure to
fighting. Have your disagreements well out of earshot, and
remember that kids are experts at listening in. |
| 10. |
Finally, one of the most important things you can do for your
children is to take good care of yourself. Your children need
you now, more than ever, to stay healthy. Eat, sleep, and
exercise well. Do not isolate yourself - spend plenty of time
with supportive friends. If you start to feel overwhelmed, or
if depression, anxiety, or anger persist, consider getting
help from a therapist or support group. Family therapy can be
helpful at times like these as
well. |
A guide for parents based on the child’s
age.
(Note: There
is significant overlap between these
categories.) |
How do I help my preschooler or school-age child cope?
 |
Most importantly, try to maintain consistency. Children going
through separation and divorce need a lot of stability to anchor
them during the stressful times of the early stages. Change as
little as possible, especially at first. |
|
Do not alter the way you discipline and reward your child.
Keep the routines the same (bedtimes, meals). Children feel safest
when things are familiar. |
|
Be more affectionate. A few extra hugs go a long way during
times like these. Don’t overdo this, but a little more affection
can make a big difference to children who are feeling scared or
lonely. |
How do I help my school-age or middle
schooler cope?
|
Help your children to stay connected. You should support your
children's friendships and activities. |
|
Attention should be paid to enhancing or maintaining the
quality of the parent-child relationship as a way to modify
children’s long-term reactions to marital disruptions. |
How
do I help my adolescent cope?
|
For adolescents in particular, the significance of the
frequency of contact with parents fades and it is the quality of
the relationship that grow more central. The family, especially
the parent-child relationship, has been viewed as the main source
of support for the adolescent, acting as a buffer to help
ameliorate some of the stress encountered during divorce. |
|
Do not use your teenager as an emotional confidant. Sharing
the facts and feelings a child needs to know to be able to accept
the divorce is not the same thing as discussing everything related
to the divorce about which you may have a need to talk. Don’t make
your children bear this burden. They have enough to deal with
already. |
|
Adolescents are more likely to have financial worries than are
younger children. Adolescents are more aware than younger children
about the limitations imposed by money. They suspect the divorce
may have direct financial ramifications for them, and they're
usually right. |
At Lepage Associates one of our largest areas of
expertise is helping adults and children who are going through
separation and divorce. There are many ways we can be of help during
the process: communication consultant, child specialist,
co-parenting consultant, parenting plan expert, support
person/therapist. Please click
here for more information on these roles, or call us for more
information or for an initial consult.
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this information as a printable PDF document
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