Strengthening Communication with the DEAR MAN Skill
Clear, respectful communication isn’t always easy. You might know what you need, but struggle to say it without conflict. Or you may avoid hard conversations altogether because you’re worried about how they’ll land.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone—and you’re not stuck.
One practical tool we often teach in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is called DEAR MAN. It’s a structured way to ask for what you need, set boundaries, or navigate a difficult conversation while staying respectful and grounded.
Here’s what helps, step by step.
What Is the DEAR MAN Skill?
DEAR MAN is a simple framework that guides assertive communication. It helps you express yourself clearly while protecting both the relationship and your self-respect.
DEAR stands for:
- D – Describe
- E – Express
- A – Assert
- R – Reinforce
MAN stands for:
- M – Mindful
- A – Appear confident
- N – Negotiate
You can use this skill in many settings—at home, at work, or in close relationships—especially when you’re making a request or setting a boundary.
Step 1: Describe the Situation
Start with the facts. Keep it neutral and specific. Avoid exaggeration or blame.
Instead of:
“You never help around the house.”
Try:
“I’ve noticed I’ve been handling most of the housework lately.”
This creates space for discussion instead of defensiveness.
Step 2: Express How You Feel
Next, share your emotional experience. Use “I” statements. Stay calm and direct.
Instead of:
“I shouldn’t have to ask.”
Try:
“I feel overwhelmed when I’m managing everything on my own.”
You’re not attacking the other person. You’re helping them understand your experience.
Step 3: Assert What You Need
Be clear about your request. Don’t hint. Don’t hope they’ll guess.
For example:
“I’d like us to divide the household chores more evenly.”
Assertiveness isn’t aggression. It’s clarity.
Step 4: Reinforce the Benefit
Let the other person know why this matters and how cooperation helps both of you.
For example:
“If we split the chores, we’ll both have more time to relax together.”
When people understand the positive impact, they’re more likely to engage.
Step 5: Stay Mindful
Conversations can easily drift. Old arguments may surface. Emotions can rise.
Staying mindful means:
- Gently bringing the focus back to your request
- Not getting pulled into side topics
- Repeating your point calmly if needed
It’s okay to pause and breathe. You don’t have to “win” the conversation. You’re aiming for clarity.
Step 6: Appear Confident
Your tone and body language matter.
You might:
- Sit or stand upright
- Maintain steady (not intense) eye contact
- Speak in a calm, even tone
Even if you feel nervous inside, steady delivery strengthens your message.
Step 7: Negotiate When Needed
Not every request will be met immediately. Flexibility can help you reach a workable solution.
For example:
“If splitting everything evenly doesn’t feel realistic right now, maybe we could alternate weeks.”
Negotiation isn’t giving up your needs. It’s collaborating toward a solution.
Why This Skill Matters
When practiced consistently, DEAR MAN can help you:
- Navigate conflict more effectively
- Strengthen relationships through direct communication
- Reduce resentment that builds from unspoken needs
- Increase confidence in both personal and professional settings
Many people find that difficult conversations become less intimidating once they have a structure to follow.
Practicing DEAR MAN in Real Life
Like any skill, this takes practice.
You might start by:
- Using it in low-stakes situations, such as asking for a small favor
- Writing out your DEAR MAN plan before an important conversation
- Role-playing with a therapist or trusted person
The goal isn’t perfection. It’s progress.
When Extra Support Helps
If you struggle with assertiveness, boundaries, or conflict, working with a therapist can make this feel more manageable. Communication patterns are often rooted in past experiences, and learning new skills takes practice in a supportive environment.
At Lepage Associates, we provide DBT-informed therapy for individuals and families in Durham, Raleigh, and Chapel Hill, as well as through telehealth across North Carolina. Together, we can help you build practical tools that strengthen your relationships and your confidence.
Ready for support? Contact Lepage Associates to get a plan that fits your life.