By Tina Lepage, PsyD
Many kids can explain a social skill perfectly and still forget to use it when a friend is in front of them. Your child may be able to tell you how to take turns when you talk about it at home, and still struggle to do it once a friend comes over. You may find this frustrating, and you may wonder whether the lessons are sinking in at all. Understanding why your child forgets social skills around friends may help you respond with more patience, and it may point you toward the kind of help your child needs.
Why knowing social skills doesn’t mean your child can use them
Psychologists use the word generalization to describe a skill carrying over from the place where it was learned to the places where it’s needed. For many kids, generalization is one of the hardest parts of learning social skills. Your child may practice asking a friend what they want to play in a therapist’s office or at your kitchen table. Each of those settings is calm and predictable, and an adult is right there to cue them.
A playdate looks very different. The room may be noisy, the friend may have their own ideas and nobody is announcing which skill to use. Your child needs to notice what’s happening, remember the right skill and use it within a few seconds. That’s a lot to ask of any child. It may be even harder for a child with ADHD, who may struggle with working memory, the brain’s ability to hold information in mind while using it.
How strong feelings get in the way of social skills
Emotions add another layer. When your child gets frustrated, excited or embarrassed, the thinking skills they need to stop and choose a response may be harder to access. Right then, your child may default to older habits, like grabbing the toy or insisting on their own rules, even if they could have explained the better choice a few minutes earlier.
This is one reason a child may do well in a structured group and struggle in free play with friends. Free play brings more surprises, and surprises tend to stir up more feelings.
How you can help your child use social skills with friends
Kids often need an adult nearby who can guide them while things are happening, and you may be the best person to do that. You see your child with friends in ways a therapist never will, during playdates at home, at the park and at birthday parties. You don’t have to coach every skill at once. You can pick one skill to work on and support your child with it before, during and after a playdate.
- Before the friend arrives, choose the skill you’ll focus on, like asking what the friend wants to play. Talk through what it might look like, so the skill is fresh in your child’s mind.
- During the playdate, stay close enough to notice when your child gets stuck. A few quiet words may remind them of the skill without stopping the fun.
- If there was a conflict or your child forgot the skill, keep the talk afterward brief. Start with one moment your child handled well, then talk about what happened and what they might try next time.
Once your child starts using the skill without a reminder, you can choose a new one to work on. Building one skill at a time may keep things manageable for your child, and each skill they learn may make the next one a little easier.
How to help without making your child feel criticized
Children who struggle socially often sense that they’re having a harder time with friends than other kids are, and they may already feel embarrassed about it. When you step in to help, your child may hear even a gentle correction as criticism, because it adds to the embarrassment they already feel. If that happens often, your child may start to see themselves as someone who can’t get it right, and they may pull away when you try to help.
You may notice this reaction at other times at home, too. When you offer advice about friends, your child may shut down or get angry, and you may end up feeling like you’re walking on eggshells.
You may have more success if you strengthen your relationship before you lean on coaching. Spend one-on-one time doing something your child enjoys, with no lessons attached, and try to give them more positive comments than corrections throughout the day. When your child feels secure with you, your guidance may start to feel like teamwork.
When to get more support
If your child keeps struggling with friends even with help at home, or their confidence is starting to suffer, you may need extra help. A therapist can work on social skills with your child and coordinate with you, so the same skills get practiced at home. Psychological testing may show whether attention, learning or language differences are making social situations harder, which may change the kind of help your child needs. Parent coaching may also help you balance guiding your child with giving them room to try.
Common questions about social skills
Q: How long does it take for social skills to show up on their own?
A: It varies from child to child. Many kids need to practice social skills many times, in several different settings, before they use them without a reminder.
Q: How do I remind my child without embarrassing them?
A: Say it privately and use as few words as you can, such as “Ask what she wants to play.” A short reminder may help your child remember the skill without feeling singled out while their friend is there.
Q: Should I practice social skills with my child at home?
A: Yes. Practicing in low-stakes moments, like at dinner or during a family game, may make the skill easier to remember with friends. You can also mix in a few surprises, like changing the rules of a game partway through, so your child practices staying flexible.
Lepage Associates offers therapy, parent coaching and psychological testing in Durham and Raleigh. Reach out to our team to talk through what you’re seeing and find a good next step for your child.